I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
