He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
