What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
