I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
