i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
what day is it and did you see me today?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
