My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
