Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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