You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
the raccoons are back...
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