Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So much rum. So many feels.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Randomize
