if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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