Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
