I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
