grandma shit on top of the toilet
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
