Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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