DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
