so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
