Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
