Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
