things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
