my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
