Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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