I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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