Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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