You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
