sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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