nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
