My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
