You made me cry and you don't even care
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
