Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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