I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
