i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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