im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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