Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Found the puke drawer
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
