My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
