On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
