he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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