I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
