Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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