woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
