so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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