Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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