i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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