I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
