I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
