Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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