We named our party play list daddy issues
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
