Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
