if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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