at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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