It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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